The Game.

I spent the earlier part of my teenage years being miserable, my later teenage years were gracefully spent snorting cocaine, popping pills and smoking copious amounts of marijuana. My early 20’s were consistently diabolical and now I have decided to make a change. Today is the 4th July 2009 and from this day forward things have got to change, I meet hundreds of people each week and in turn every one is a robotic moron who can be categorized in three sections

1) mentally unstable and in need of attention

2) Giggling Morons

3) intellectuals who waste their own talent

I am now making a solemn vow to become what I once was, there was a stage in my life when i was confident and quite simply did not give a smelly poo what anybody thought. I have had so many careers all none of which suited as I just lied and cheated my way into each to earn a simple crust.

I constantly ask what may seem ridiculous questions to myself like, Why shouldn’t we stand in the rain and whats wrong with conversing with the desirable but unobtainable. I love to be with women, to talk to them, to make them feel like they are the only person in that room at that moment. Make her heart dance like a soft winged Swift under the vanilla sky and to show her that lightning may only strike once but it forever leaves an impression.

Is this a game? the answer to this question I do not know but what is apparent to me that if this is a game then I love to play. For now i will ponder the possibility that maybe I just need female companionship to suit my own insecurities.

Forever May the Game Continue as long as I remain the only one who plays! TBM 2009

Michael Jackson Hoax Part 2….

Call me a lunatic conspiracist but am I slowly being pointed in the right direction now with my views that this whole Jackson palaver is one big bloody hoax. I mean come on lets look at the facts. Three days ago the world was remarking on how they were not surprised by MJ’s death as he looked quite ill, today on the other hand new photographic evidence shows MJ was in a perfect bill of health. When the public started to question his death his parents clocked onto this and gathered we were all getting a little suspicious so they decide to join us and embrace in the suspicion. Now a second post mortum has been advised to see if MJ had taken a cocktail of drugs which caused an overdose, are you serious the man was so pathetically child minded he would not have been able to deal with the cap. How docile do they actually believe we are? I think the fact that MJ faked his own death is becoming more and more apparent, I will keep updating my thoughts on this process of fakery as the weeks go by. Good on Jacko’s dad though say what you like but he certainly knows how to make the most from a situation even if his idol is Ike Turner.

I need a new career….What should i do????

Simply quite a short topic, but I think I need a new career just no idea what i should do here is a lost of careers I have managed to con my way into. Each of the below careers I have actually worked in.

• Hairdresser
• Car Sales
• Croupier
• Accountant
• Car Valeting
• Mechanic
• Entertainer
• Journalist
• Preacher (just for fun)
• Chef
• BarMan
• IT Repairs
• Con-Man (very long time ago)(story to come)
• Photographer
• Personal Shopper (You will want to read this story about how i camped up)
• Radio Dj for hospital
• Night Club DJ
• Bouncer
• Gangster (very amusing, yet highly terrifying)
• Cocktail Waiter
• Psychic Medium
• Demon Hunter (lots of drugs and lots of vulnerable people)

I would love your feedback on what careers you think i should venture into next and also if you would like to hear about some of the jobs i was involved in just comment with which and i will tell you all the gory details.

The Beardless Messiah Loving the Shit out of Lemon Curd and Custard Creams

I must be out of my tiny mind….

Well this section is basically just a little bit of nonsense about random matters I greatly care to get off my pigeon like chest. I am constantly getting harassed by the church of later day saints elders and they just don’t seem to communicate very well as you may have thought to leave me well alone unless they actually want to divulge into an intellectual conversation into why i think they are completely and utterly bonkers but for now i shall leave religion alone, if only for a while. I at the moment am typing very slowly as my ever extending unorthodox method have caused me to be situated at my laptop in a great deal of pain, you see the thing with me is, well I am very obtuse and tend to do things, well the difficult way only, henceforth today whilst dealing with plastic that i could not remove, my totally obscure brain tells me that I should do nothing else but set it on fire, as if my ideas were not strange enough i decide to span into the Neanderthal methods of being. Obviously foreseeable what was to have happened, you guessed it just as if you were to be Derek Acorah in a library, the bloody stuff went and dripped onto my bloody finger and melted its way right through the skin so I can’t get the bloody stuff out.

Rant number two, well this is a bloody awkward one. The single most attractive of all Homosapien women graces my presence every single day on the train, she sits where she is in my view and she only ever offers one or maybe two smiles at a push, the only time she communicated with my was when a selfish old trout decided to throw himself in front of our bloody train during rush hour, I then got polite communication from her and i get mixed signals. I really just want her to talk to me and tell me to go in a northerly direction and multiply with myself or be polite at least then I would know what goes on in  her bloody mind.

Here comes number three the most outrageous of all, but coming from me probably normal, why does everybody in the Warwickshire district seem to have a extremely large stick permanently lodged in there anal cavity, the whole of Warwickshire seems to be full of pompous idiots whose faces all seem to emerge like they have had their heads fixated into Mein Kumpf for a week, please for everyones sake cheer up or visit Michael Jackson’s doctor. Talking of doctors pity Harold Shipman never put in for a transfer to Warwickshire.

Today The Beardless Messiah is stressed and only loves the shit out of Old McDonald.

What Awaits Us……TBM Bible Part 2

One of the questions we all find our selves constantly asking is what will happen when we die? Whether you believe heaven awaits you, you will be reincarnated or if you are to strap a explosive device to your chest and cry infidels at the top of you voice in the moments before you destroy the lives are the innocent bystander you will then apparently be greeted by 100 virgins when Allah welcomes you.

Well in my personal opinion, I think as a suicide bomber your chances of being greeted by a happy God are pretty slim if you have just destroyed what he supposedly created, Think you are an exception? your wrong. You simply don’t kill because God tells you to, you actually kill because the likely option is your mentally unstable and in dire assistance and need of medical help, in summary, Suicide bombers if there were to be a spirit world, El Diablo himself would probably take pride in greeting you with a jar of Vaseline and a Burk-ha with a hole where the anus is situated.

Now the Buddhists, well one of the most used phrases on the planet is “You only live once.” Now that buggers the Bodha Vista theory of enlightenment and reincarnation, more than likely acid and a magic eye picture to achieve nirvana.

Now for the christian view, well what can we say. Our loved ones greet us at the gate of heaven, a place of such beauty and divinity that it could melt the very heart of Ted Bundy or even George W Bush at a push. But why oh why would we live our lives believing in perfection that when really if we are to sit down and contemplate the fact the heaven is not really logically possible in any way shape or form then couldn’t really all agree that to believe in anything other than the fact we will all be buried and stay their is a logical and guaranteed part of life. The basic truth behind it all is you believe that you will descend upon a better plane is just down to fear and nothing more.

The Michael Jackson Hoax!

Upon opening my eyes this morning I was greeted by my wife unveiling the news the Michael Jackson had died of a heart attack at the age of 50. Upon hearing this my reaction was in all honesty was to burst into hysterical laughter and the only thought that crossed my tainted mind was, “You clever bastard.”

When you look at the facts, Michael was constantly hounded by families attempting to prosecute him for copping a feel of there youngest boy and he was next to broke (In a Jackson Frame of looking at the situation.) When you look at the other facts that back in 1994, Jackson had been caught in the act planning to fake his own death, in his words “just like my friend Elvis” whether or not this is just another public statement of his own ludicrous mind or not is another question but when he stated he planned to do it at the age of 50, now must seem like more than a coincidence.

Jackson although a kind and gentle man was also a huge prankster whom loved to know he had managed to gain points by fooling the public and his com-padres. The amount of planning involved in Jacko’s pranks was really over the top and in his mind and very own words, “To convince the world you are no longer alive and then to sit by and watch their reaction would be the ultimate prank.”

In the simplest of terms and easiest of definitions, Jackson has done us all over again and faked his own death. No doubt about it in my mind.

A Series of Random Thoughts……

Here are some actual thoughts that have gone through my partially damaged brain. Thank Goodness I have eyes where these thoughts can take refuge and hide behind. Each one has ACTUALLY ENTERED MY MIND. now you may understand why I remain anonymous…..

Wow, that woman actually looks like Ronnie Corbet, I would still let her give me a blow job though!

When that old gentleman fell over that railing I actually thought I had wee a little bit in my boxers.

(the next thought happened during the earthquake in the uk last year)

Ah, oh no it’s a poltergeist!

If my penis fell into the hole in this seat and a dwarf was to give me oral sex and I was to become erect, how would i get my penis out?

Does Bob Geldof really hate mondays.

What would Gok Wan do to Golum?

I hate James Blunt that much I would throw gravy at him and punch him in the cock.

Did inspector gadget get his dog from a dogs home?

Due to political correctness is a Mail Man now a person person?

Was Jason Donovan actually aware of how many broken hearts there was in the world.

George Michael chose one hell of a life!

(Upon having a conversation with my wife in regard to our second child she stated that nobody would want to babysit to children, to which my response was…..)

A paedophile would.

At what point did Lenny Henry become black?

Schindler’s List, he actually had time for shopping?

Hitler wasn’t that bad, he was just mischievous and had a fondness for mustard gas.

Oh for fuck sake, I hate christians. Jesus was probably gay you know!

If I saw god now, I would throw a bloody spanner at him.

I like chairman Mao, well to be honest i just think his name has a nice ring to it.

Here come the Johovas Witnesses wheres the christmas tree.

Ahhh omish facebook.

He’s a friendly Muslim, oh would you believe it an oxymoron coming from my mind.

He’s black, He’s got a rucksack, He’s Got a Beard, I hope to hell he hasn’t got Allah.

Would you adam and eve it a lesbian that looks like i woman, oh no its a man.

Today I think I will pretend to be welsh.

The Future For Us.

When we look at our lives now we see a bleak country in dire need of assistance, we see our government officials claiming expenses for charitable donations, we see our football teams paying extortionate amounts of money for players that are what we can describe more as symbols for a product than the idols we held in our youth who played for the passion of the game and we also see our local law enforcement officers prosecuting everyday people for dropping the nub off their cigarette rather than seeing justice done and prosecuting paedophiles and rapists. We are now seeing a return of the racist propagandist with the British Nationalist Party slowly gaining seat by seat and we are all slowly becoming unemployed. What is the solution i hear you ask and if we don’t have one where will our future take us?

The honest answer being we don’t know for certain but at a guess I would say the future is neither bright nor orange, pardon the pun if you will, we no longer live our lives as we used to we live our lives now in accordance to what everyone else is doing, by doing this we are just engaging ourselves further into the abyss of what the world is becoming.

I would apologise before i make the next statement, but i honestly mean it so i wont.  Come February on a Bi-Yearly basis and November yearly we all come together and collectively do ridiculous things to raise money for the less fortunate, my question mainly being. “Why feed Africa when we cannot feed ourselves.” sounds cruel, maybe but if you think about what my point actually is, I am undoubtedly correct.

Our country is host nowadays to many an ethnic minorities, so much so, that to find an English speaking assistant in Farmfoods to find where the chocolate milkshake is, is next to impossible but unlike many I don’t have a problem whatsoever with the Polish, Hungarian or Russian immigrants alike, upon conversing with them you will find they have the utmost respect for our country and are very grateful for our hospitality as a country. Now on the other hand lets take 70% of the Muslim population of the U.K, Their teachings show them that as non Muslims we are infidels that are inhabiting their land, to me this is disgusting and is tantamount the racism on behalf of the Muslim nation but what is done?

In general summary the point I am trying to make is this change yourself and see the clearer picture, to do this you need to look beyond the problem to see the solution. We all lose control from time to time but eventually we find a way to drag ourselves from the pit of what seems to be unrepairable and fix our problems like Lenny Henry was himself our life councilor. So get off your arse and look forward to looking forward.

“Remember! Roads, where the Beardless Messiah is taking you, you don’t need roads!”

Why I am not afraid! TBM Bible P1

I think after reading the title you would think, well everybody is scared sometimes and of course I get scared but my strength lies where most persevere to only have a consistent weakness and that weakness is life.  I don’t quite realise why I have taken it upon myself to write my thoughts but i will every waking moment possible just to show that you don’t have to be a lower denominator you can exist in the life you wish by doing whatever you wish, most importantly of all learn to enjoy life.

Firstly let me start by stating the obvious, life is unfortunately controlled for us by those who think they should maintain control, be they our pompous bosses who live in a monstrous world inside their own heads, that of which only they can define or on the other end of the scale the higher state officials if you wish e.g the police or political figures. Now please do not misunderstand me i don’t encourage you to go out and break the law but go out and live outside your head and live outside your own law. Talk to that woman you see on the bus everyday, Tell someone yes where you would normally say no or viceverse.

so lets go back to the controllers, you predominately have to realise that these people that you work for you superiors are in many cases inferior to you, don’t believe me? It’s called over compensation, they have no life whatsoever hence the lack of communication skills which would ideally explain why they can only see a level of communication on the higher frequency of the decibel line. Here is what you do, it is very simple anyone can do it, all you do is listen for a while and the so called intellect of the superiors turns out to be farcical, this then gives you the higher ground. You can control any situation with this power as your life goes on you will also learn the power of debate, a good healthy debate is worthy of many awards, in an ideal world of bosses 70% surround themselves with employs they believe will be yes men or only people that won’t hold an opinion against. So you be the person that hold that opinion and from then on you hold the higher ground. Trust me you will have them scared but do beware they may have tendencies to pass the buck for anything and everything.

What I am really trying to get at is you don’t have to be a conformist, stand up for what you believe in, it is not wrong it is actually human instinct and when it is removed by a fool with internal issues then it should be classed as a crime. Why can’t you be the one that every body remembers? The answer is simple, you can be. Be your own personal Jesus and don’t ever give in, life may throw many things at you, all you have to do is learn to throw it back.

I will incorporate something written by the great Richard Donner used in a lethal weapon movie. If you honestly believe that God hates you, Then hate him back, it works for me. In all honesty it does work.

I hate God as much as he hates me, This is the way i live my life and I am very happy. Whether you Love your God or despise him do not follow his word as he does not govern your life, YOU DO!

Always Remember The Beardless Messiah Loves The Shit Out of Each & Everyone of you!

Non Appropriate News Headlines.

Tony Blair Caught Dancing to Duran Durans’ The reflex - Latest reports and a company insider said Tony is a huge Duran Duran fan and even named a pet Rio.

Scientists Confirm Eggs can definitely not talk – It has finally been proven today that eggs almost certainly have no form of communicating with each other.

Man gets beaten by elderly woman’s daughter for innocent mistake – Today a man was beaten within an inch of his life for accidentally offending an elderly woman. An eyewitness described the event. “The young man was moving his head to the music and it seemed that the elderly woman was joining in, as the young man encouraged his elderly companion her daughter appeared and repeatedly pummeled the man with a tin of original Ragu sauce, Whilst beating the man the woman was screaming, DO YOU THINK PARKINSON’S IS A JOKE DO YOU?”

This disturbing seen must of been quite a sight but we have it on good authority that the young man is recovering well in hospital and forgives his culinary attacker.

Today at Wimbledon, Mr Personality Is a GO! That’s right viewers Mr Charisma, Andrew “MC” Murray is playing today and i am more than certain that we will all witness that face of such blank expression. Is it just me or does Murray look like he has been caught in a compromising position by his mother?